I’m really down these days. About a lot of things. I find it hard to have passion or ambition in anything I do. Frequently, I find myself just thinking “Life is a long struggle against shitty stuff until you die.” and I haven’t been able to get out of this mind frame. I feel very soulless and want to get out and see people and do things, but I don’t have the ambition.
On top of that all, I feel like a loser because I allow my anxiety to cockblock my ability to work with people. Thus, I am unemployed. My room mate couldn’t move in with me when I moved into my apartment and I lost my job so I have to make $500 (Technically $1,000) quickly or I’ll be out of this place and homeless as of the 1st. I don’t even have gas to drive to interviews and I’ve been holed up at home for at least two weeks now…
There is a ton of pressure on me and I keep just being told “Well, it’s okay, *one day* everything will workout for you.” and I wanna yell at everyone that one day is not right now and I need fucking help… Even just someone to come over and spend time with me so I’m not sitting here wallowing in self pity.
I hate that this is the way I act now. Just depressed and confused and stressed and lost…. And no one takes the time to really think of anything to say or do to make me feel less lonely. They just say some soothing crap that comes out of the top of their head because
They can’t comprehend an intellectuals’ loneliness. They’re oblivious.
They can’t comprehend bills. Their mommy pays for everything.
They can’t comprehend homelessness. They’re stable.
I feel like a huge asshole for being angry at people who can’t possibly comprehend my dilemma, but I suppose I’m just jealous that they have some kind of stability in their family and self when it seems like I strive for nothing more than stability in myself and it is always a fleeting happiness that gets buried under life’s shit.
"You are trying to support yourself, and it seems that you are running out of resources. It really seems that recently people only have enough brain capacity to deal with their own shit. They can’t even think of inconveniencing themselves enough to help another person. Which is really unfortunate, because by limiting their relations and interactions with others, every one seems to be getting more and more out of touch with reality. At this point I believe that empathy is impossible with people’s current understanding of one another. Even sympathy is difficult for most."
My friend said it best… On top of this all, I feel like an extra ounce of FUCK YOU from life comes from the fact that I am prescribed medication for my A.D.D (Adderall) and because of the horrible disorganization of my Guidance Center, they have yet to be able to get me a refill for nearly a month. The withdrawl from Adderall makes me feel psychotic and lost and fuuuuuck so many BAD things….
The first week without it was bearable. Minor itchings for the thing, but nothing too bad. Once I sluggishly stumbled into week two? Since then, every waking moment feels detached. It’s difficult to eat because it’s difficult to WAKE. I sleep EVERY SINGLE DAY for HOURS and it is AGONY to try and wake. It’s nearly impossible.
There are days I break down now, the depression is SO enhanced. I literally will fall to my knees where ever I am, my kitchen, in the shower, while cooking dinner, and cry like I’m dying. Sometimes it’s terrifying, my break downs. I actually woke my boyfriend up the other night because I was fucking DREAM-CRYING. What the ACTUAL fuck? And sometimes I don’t cry at all and it’s really numb and I 100% understand those little emo kids when they say they cant feel anything. And I understand those commercials about depression, why they depict a woman like a wind up doll. I constantly need to be wound up to get moving. Otherwise I just fall down again and try and sleep away reality.
So often when I realize just how out of touch with reality I am, little numerous shards of stalagmite consciousness come whizzing from suspension above the plane of my psyche and cut me into tiny little fucking pieces. And then I make myself numb again because this, too, hurts.
It’s just… I’m scared for myself lately. Everything seems hopeless. Like I said, I can’t feel passion for things because I think “Why bother? Something bad will happen to make it not even worth while. Nothing is worth while. Just die.” I may be unhappy now, but it’s a better feeling then when I feel nothing. Yeah, sometimes I’m not even sad and I think these things. It’s like a neutral state and I’m just SO exhausted and so drained and don’t see any worth that I think “It isn’t that I’m sad… I just don’t want to anymore… [Live, that is.]”
In regards to my anxiety, before I even go in for a job I have panic attacks thinking about having to SEE people and TALK to them and FUNCTION like I’m normal without letting off just how fucking suicidal I am. The pressure of that alone is tremendous. And let me clarify, I wouldn’t actually commit suicide, I just think about it. A lot. Every day I fight the urge to pop sleeping pills so I don’t have to wake and see the soulless creature I am now. So I don’t have to feel like “It’s never going to be okay because I am mentally ill.” I wish I had never been addicted to pills. It’s a struggle everyday.
I don’t wanna live like this. In fear of my minds acute ability to magnetize me to negativity. I don’t want to feel like giving up every morning. I felt this way everyday growing up at my moms. The conditions of her place are unlivable. Mold, rats, dog shit, dust, parasites, creeping and crawling and smothering me… If I lose this apartment, I am homeless. I mean SLEEPING IN MY CAR (that doesn’t have gas) with nothing at all, HOMELESS. I have until May 1st to come up with some money or I’m on the streets.
And people have the fucking balls to tell me everything will be okay….
"…"life just isn’t supposed to be this hard." And I truly believe that things are just too hard. It takes more time and resources to maintain a life than what is available right now. I believe that there needs to be drastic change in our social structure throughout the world. There are just too many people that are being left without basic necessities, and the people who do have what they need spend all of their time just trying to hold on.
People don’t relate well to me, so no one ever tries to get in touch with me. I will spend my days alone. Doing what little I can muster through the day, but I hardly talk to anyone, and I only have a couple real friends. (Even they don’t talk to me very often.) That is the thing that fucks my brain up. The idea that no one seems to ever want to find me. No one seems to care if I am alive or dead. I feel like I have absolutely no impact on the world, and that is fucking scary.”
“You’re in the desert. The Sahara desert. And you move a grain of sand. The Sahara desert will never be the same. Everything you do is worth something. Now imagine. You’re moving grains of sand your whole life. Not just grains of sand. Buying something. Or waving to someone. Or just having a smile. Maybe you’re not approving of someone. Maybe that opinion kept someone else from being the same way? You suggest a book. Maybe that book changed a life. Maybe you read a sappy line from a heartbreaking poem you wrote. Maybe you don’t even think its good. That could change the way someone thinks. Maybe you ask someone that’s pretty shy. You ask them out. Maybe they’re not too ambitious. In their relationships. In life. Maybe they don’t see the world, in the best way they’d someday find out they’d like.
Maybe, just maybe, that someone falls in love with you.”—
67 Cheap Date Ideas for the Recession-Era Romantic
Browse the local farmers’ market.
Go on a picnic. All you need is a blanket, fruit, sausage, cheese, crackers and water.
Fly a kite.
Enjoy a romantic home-cooked meal.
Cook dinner together.
Go apple picking.
Give a massage.
Go to the beach.
Attend an open-air festival.
See an art-house movie matinee.
Build a snowman.
Have a barbecue.
Share a sundae.
Attend an art gallery.
Take a hike.
Go to a book signing.
Go for a bike ride.
Play miniature golf.
Attend a wine tasting.
Go sledding (with a thermos of hot cider or cocoa).
Visit the zoo.
Rent a movie.
Pick up movie at your local library.
Invite friends over for board games.
Do a Google search for free things to do in your city.
Eat out with a gift certificate from Restaurant.com.
Drive through the country (especially good around Fall).
Play at a playground (swings and teeter-totters are fun!)
Attend a planetarium show.
Browse antique shops.
Go to an open mic night at a coffee shop or bookstore.
Volunteer at a favorite charity.
Attend a high school sporting event.
Watch Shakespeare in the Park.
Have an indoor picnic.
Star gaze (Orion is an easy constellation to spot).
Take a pottery class together.
Go to the local community pool.
Feed the ducks at a local pond.
Go ice skating.
Go roller skating.
Play laser tag.
Go kayaking or canoeing.
Skip rocks at a lake.
Watch a meteor shower (here’s when they happen).
Attend a local high school, community college or university play or musical.
Play basketball together.
Visit a botanical garden.
Go spelunking (but be careful!)
Get a cup of coffee together (hopefully at a spot that offers free refills).
Take a factory tour. Breweries that offer free samples are especially fun.
Take dance lessons at a local community center.
Visit local historic landmarks.
Put together a puzzle.
Carve pumpkins (around Halloween). Or go trick-or-treating (you’ll need Halloween costumes).
Go strawberry picking.
Attend a flea market or swapmeet.
Check out yard sales.
Assemble a model airplane then fly it in a park.
Go out for brunch (cheaper than dinner).
For instance, last month a Democrat offered up a bill that should have been uncontroversial: It would have officially repealed the state’s primitive anti-homosexuality law, already long overturned by the state’s Supreme Court. But no: the Tea-Partying Republicans running the House committee overseeing the bill simply killed it in the crib.
According to Peterson, chair of the House Judiciary Committee, there are at least two prosecutable offenses—felonies punishable by up to 10 years in prison and a $50,000 fine. One is the “recruitment” of non-gays. “Homosexuals can’t go out into the heterosexual community and try to recruit people, or try to enlist them in homosexual acts,” Peterson says. He provides an example: “‘Here, young man, your hormones are raging. Let’s go in this bedroom, and we’ll engage in some homosexual acts. You’ll find you like it.’” Peterson hasn’t actually seen this happen, he says, because “I don’t associate with that group of people at all… I’ve associated with mainstream people all my life.”
I italicized the part that I imagined must be said in a British accent.
“In my mind, if they were engaging in acts in public that could be construed as homosexual, it would violate that statute. It has to be more than affection. It has to be overt homosexual acts of some kind or another… If kissing goes to that extent, yes. If it’s more than that, yes.”
The GOP and Tea Party once again turn their attention toward making freedom illegal in America. Yay.
LOOOOOOOOLLL!!!!!!!!!!! Please tell me this is a fucking joke.
I just LOVE recruiting straight folks into the gay club. Damn, cannot do that anymore. So sad. =[
Why is it the worst of the straight people are the ones that think we want them around :/
“Nope. Zero,” the president said to the speaker. Mr. Boehner tried again. “Nope. Zero,” Mr. Obama repeated. “John, this is it.” A long silence followed, said one participant in the meeting. “It was just like an awkward, ‘O.K., well, what do you do now?’”—
President Obama to Speaker Boehner about how much he would be willing to cut from Planned Parenthood funding. (via comeondontbullshitme)
This makes me happy. REMEMBER WHEN THE GOP TRIED TO HOLD WOMEN’S BODIES HOSTAGE AND OUR PRESIDENT WAS LIKE NOPE?
The GOP just introduced a bill in Congress to create tax-exempt status for Unplanned Parenthood, the Jesus-approved alternative to the horrible abortion death factory known as Planned Parenthood. (Did you know that 187% of the government money…
“Eight percent of college men have either attempted or successfully raped. Thirty percent say they would rape if they could get away with it. When the wording was changed to “force a woman to have sex,” the number jumped to 58%. Worse still, 83.5% argue that “some women look like they are just asking to be raped.”—
No woman is ever “asking” to get raped, no matter what she is wearing or what she looks like. A woman should be allowed to be proud of her own body without feeling like she’s inviting rapists to attack her. It has become rather apparent to me that we live in a society that would rather make the victim the real criminal instead of trying to find ways to prevent things like this from happening in the first place. “She was practically asking for it” should never be something that is okay. If she says “yes”, then she’s ‘asking for it’, otherwise, back the hell off and treat the lady with some respect. Women are people, too, in case you weren’t aware.
Because banning “uterus” wasn’t ridiculous enough…
Also, as RH Reality Check points out, they think something that 99% of women partake in is “controversial.” Maybe it’s women having sex at all without trying to get pregnant (those non-procreating, pleasure-lovin’ sluts!) that they find controversial.
During the fight over the federal budget, Republican Senator Jon Kyl stated that over 90% of the services performed by Planned Parenthood were abortions. Over the weekend, the folks at Fox & Friends said that Walgreens offered many of the same services as Planned Parenthood. On tonight’s Report, Stephen Colbert hilariously debunked them both.
This is a very tool-centric, or marketing-centric approach, and leaves out — or dismisses — all the messy and interesting philosophical aspects of identity.
Consider issues like publicy: How much of these various aspects of identity do you want to be revealed? Or context-based identity: you are a different you with the bowling league, at work, or on Suicide Girls.
Ev’s list is based on information flows — how people and systems might communicate or interact with people through identity markers of various kinds — but it doesn’t get at our personal motivations, needs, or requirements around identity as an aspect of human psychology.
Great points Stowe. Additionally, Ev’s model ignores the inward facing aspect of identity - the person we see in the mirror, the inner truth, the self-knowledge of both our greatest strengths and weaknesses, triumphs and fears. That individual, that identity, is very different than the one we advertise. So, let’s extend upon this and explore the complexity of identity between two people.
First, the basic identities.
Me - my inner view of myself
Me - my advertised self to the world
You - your inner view of yourself
You - your advertised self to the world
Now let’s look at the interpretation of the identities in a conversation.
Me - my interpretation of your advertised self
Me - my interpretation of your inner view of yourself
You - your interpretation of my advertised self
You - your interpretation of my inner view of myself
So, during any conversation among two individuals, we can be having multiple dialogs - which identity is communicating with which interpreter? Let’s add one more layer here providing complexity in communication.
Me - my awareness of your interpretation of my advertised self
Me - my awareness of your interpretation of my inner view of myself
You - your awareness of my interpretation of your advertised self
You - your awareness of my interpretation of your inner view of yourself
Now, if you really want to blow the lid off things in terms of complexity, bring in pre-judgment, what others have said, expectations based upon past interactions, mood, etc.
The point here is that identity is much more complex than Ev’s 5 buckets, of which, coincidentally, Twitter and Facebook address with Kunderian unbearable lightness.
It seems to me that most Pro-Life people I know really aren’t Pro-Life at all. They are, rather, Anti-Sex. That is, the abortion debate is often just a cover to wage war on the sexual revolution and the Dawn of the Pill. What many Pro-Life people are angry about is the casual sexuality of our age, an era of “abortion on demand.” Pro-Life advocacy, then, is often (consciously or unconsciously) really a way to get sexually promiscuous people to face the “consequences” of sexual activity. The focus on life is often cover for Puritanical worries about sexuality in modern America.
Why do I draw this conclusion? Because most Pro-Life people I know are only Pro-Life in this one area, and only in this one area. They are not, generally speaking, consistently Pro-Life. For example, most Pro-Life people are…
…not Pro-Life when it comes to gun control.
…not Pro-Life when it comes to preemptive war.
…not Pro-Life when it comes to capital punishment.
…not Pro-Life when it comes to global malnourishment.
…not Pro-Life when it comes to universal health care.
…not Pro-Life when it comes to entitlement programs for the women and children of the working poor (to remove the economic incentives for abortion).
…not Pro-Life in promoting condom usage to prevent teenage pregnancy or AIDS in developing nations.
In short, the only thing many conservatives are Pro-Life about is, well, abortion. Which, incidentally, is the only thing on the list that’s about regulating sexual behavior.